In retrospect, I know I had no idea what love was supposed to look like. Hell, at 14, nobody understands what “love” actually means. A relationship built on ultimatums forced me to have to grow up way too quickly.
Fast forward to the middle of my sophomore year. We had been together for a little over a year. My family and close friends told me that I wasn’t in a healthy relationship, but every time I heard that, it pushed me further from them and closer to him. In retrospect, I should have seen what the people closest to me were seeing. They saw how my partner was controlling and emotionally manipulative, how I was constantly put down and being told I was never good enough and always being the one to apologize even when I knew I wasn’t in the wrong.
I was in a relationship with someone that did not give me the space to shine on my own or help me be the best version of myself, and that’s something paramount to a healthy relationship.
When I look back at that time, I wasn’t even myself. I looked and acted like a different person during that point in my life. I was someone I didn’t even recognize. The relationship was built on fear and anxiety; I was constantly wondering when he would start an argument or find an excuse to put me down. All of these factors led the relationship down a path that I knew wasn’t going to end well.
During the end of my sophomore year, I was crying myself to sleep more than I wasn’t. We fell into a cycle of breaking up and getting back together almost every other week. My mom was so concerned, she told me she didn’t want me seeing him anymore. However, that didn’t stop me from seeing him. He would convince me to sneak out of my house, manipulating me by telling me I had to in order to be a ‘good girlfriend,’ or if I wanted him to stay with me.
During one of the times I snuck out to see him in the middle of the night, there was an unsettling feeling from the beginning. Usually, we would just park somewhere and hang out, but this time was different. This time, a friend was with him, someone I didn’t really know and wasn’t told before was coming with him. We drove around my town and the towns nearby not really talking about much. He finally pulled over into a Subway parking lot. He turned the car off and his friend got out and walked into the shop alone.
He got into the back of the car where I was sitting, and from that point on I really can’t explain what led up to the moment that my clothes were off and I felt tears in my eyes. I have never felt so powerless. I knew what was happening, but I didn’t at the same time. I know that doesn’t make sense, but when something like that happens to you, it’s almost like you leave your physical body and you’re witnessing what is happening from an outsider’s perspective. I felt helpless; I was too scared to question him or fight back because I didn’t know what he would do if I tried. I felt like I lost my voice, and the best I could do for myself was wait it out, which is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When it was over, he got his friend, they drove back to my house, he said goodnight to me and I walked away not knowing how those few hours would forever change me physically, mentally and otherwise.