This story initially appeared on Behind the Whistle, the official blog of the IWLCA, and is being republished with permission from the organization. Erin McDonnell is the head coach at St. Mary's College of Maryland.

Author’s disclaimer: Writing this entry is definitely a step outside of my comfort zone, but I learned a valuable lesson a few years back. It was a stress-filled season, and I found myself at 3 a.m., on a losing streak, unable to sleep. So naturally, my brain told me watching bloopers of Amy Poehler breaking character on SNL would inspire some strategy. Somehow, I found myself falling down a YouTube rabbit hole which led to watching a video of Hoda Kotb, Today Show anchor, giving a commencement speech. Her closing lesson that she divulged to the graduates was, “Don’t hog your journey ... it’s not just for you.” So, in an attempt to share my journey while trying to coach through a global pandemic — in a mask from over 6 feet away — I  hope that some (or maybe just one) of you finds some solace in this. And though most of you are far better and more experienced coaches than I am, I thought I would share what I’ve learned this past semester.

Positive vs. Optimism

I took this lesson from a fellow coach of mine. I was swamped one day at work. It was one of my two days that I am allowed in the office each week. Long story short, I didn’t really have time for a friendly chat. However, one of my colleagues dropped in and like we always do, we started chatting. Mainly, I was ranting at him about how stressful this time was. I just explained to him that I was struggling to stay positive. I had even called my assistant to apologize for letting outside factors get into my head. He sat down and said, “Erin, there is no way to be positive right now. But … there is a way to be optimistic.” I stared at him with tears filling in my eyes because it struck my core.

He was right. This time in life is scary. People are literally losing their lives, the country is divided, many states are heading back into a lockdown. You can’t really be positive about these things. However, you can be optimistic. You can find a light at the end of the tunnel. Whether your tunnel is just to get to the end of the day (which should include Netflix and your beverage of choice), or it could be getting to the end of the semester. Maybe working on a plan to play in the Spring of 2021. And if you’re really struggling to find your light at the end of the tunnel, let this be it: I’ll buy you a coffee at our next in person IWLCA Convention.

Find your light and let that light motivate you every single day … especially in your darkest moments. That’s when it will shine the brightest.

How Are You?

OK. This is my moment to be very vulnerable here, and I may lose some of you. But I hope to keep you, so don’t stop reading. This question has become one that I am terrified of. I don’t want anyone to ask me how I am, because honestly, I know that I am about to say, “Fine, how are you?” Which is a LIE. I don’t want to unload on this poor unsuspecting stranger that everything in life feels upside down and most days I don’t feel like I’m doing this job effectively and for crying out loud can SOMEONE confirm that Betty White is doing OK?!

And to be honest, I am scared to ask this question. When I see my players (safely, with a mask on, and from six feet away), I am so anxious about what their answer could be. “College is hard. I want to go to class in person. I am tired of rolling over, opening my computer and attending class from bed. I want to run up and hug someone without an athletic trainer yelling, “Six feet!” I want to hang out in a group larger than 8-10 people. I’m tired of breathing into a mask, and I. JUST. WANT. TO. PLAY!”

And then there are the answers that I know are hidden deep underneath …

The anxiety: “Is that allergies or COVID? Did I have contact with someone who is positive? Am I taking home germs to my parents and grandparents?”

The mental health aspect: They’re lonelier, they’re more isolated, they’re not always as motivated, they’re struggling to find purpose … let’s be honest, staring into a screen for a team meeting is not the same as being in the same room with your family.

But while we all might be nervous to ask this question, we must continue to ask it. Coaches are fixers. We know this. When there is a problem, it is literally in our job description to solve it. But right now, we can’t. There is no way to hurry up and get our team from small group, non-contact, Phase 1 practice and into full contact, Phase 3 practice. There is no way to go to their rooms, get them out of bed, give them a hug and motivate them. But asking this question, KNOWING that you won’t be able to fix the issues of the world, gives them an outlet which they need. On campus, we are their flight attendants. Have you ever gone through turbulence on an airplane? Who is the first person you look for when panicking? THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS. They can’t fix the turbulence you’re hitting in the air, but seeing that they are calm and that they are in this with you, it helps. So, ask how they’re doing. They need it.

I don’t know…

Each year, our team picks a word for the season. This word or phrase is meant to motivate them when needed, refocus when they’re panicked, and encapsulate the season into a few words. My assistant and I have a running joke that on the back of our shirts this year, we are simply putting the phrase, I DON’T KNOW.

“Hey coach, be real. Do you think we will have a season?”

Coach: “I don’t know.”

“Hey coach, it’s supposed to pour rain all day. I know that five sports are practicing today and that we aren’t allowed to share the fields, will the grass field be OK? It is getting darker earlier now.”

Coach: “I don’t know.”

“Hey coach, the Governor just called a press conference, do you know what it’s about?”

Coach: “I don’t know.”

“Hey Coach! How are you?”

Coach: “I don’t know.”

I have found myself saying this time and time and time again. And I hope that other people have too, or else I am going to feel really foolish when this thing comes out. Though it may seem like this is the only answer I can come up, here is what I reassure them with.

Trust me ... I will always make the best decision for the betterment of the TEAM, and I will always try to give you all as realistic and “normal” an experience as I can when you’re here on campus.

Something is better than nothing: maybe it is raining, and we have to shorten our practice time from 90 minutes to 45 so both hockey and women’s lacrosse can practice, but let’s have a blast for 45 minutes. Let this be the most fun part of your day.

I will update you when it’s the right time: I don’t like to give 100 updates during the day as things change, because they WILL change. This causes a roller coaster of emotion from the team that doesn’t need to happen. I have learned to tell my payers, when there is SOLID information, I promise that you will be the first people I text and call.

I don’t know all of the answers, but I do know we’ve got this, and it will be OK.

Just show up

I have been FAR from perfect this semester. Frankly, I have been far from a good coach this semester. But one thing I do know is that your team needs you. So, whether it is just the 25 percent of your normal self that you can muster up for practice, they need to see that 25 percent. Be vulnerable with them, and what you will see is that they will show up for YOU because you showed up for them. If you don’t have students on campus, if you can’t practice, if you just had an outbreak on your team, if you have to be socially distant at practice, or even if you’re going full contact, they just need you to show up. In person or on FaceTime. Just show up — you’ll realize that you needed them, too.

But make sure you’ve got your mask on. You don’t need any more trouble than what 2020 has already given you!

Godspeed, my friends, and I’ll meet you in the lobby for that drink at the 2021 Convention.